A day in my life. I’m a little girl with a great big disease they told her long long time ago. She’s been losing her mind ever since trying to be the best at being her or whatever anybody needed her to be at the time. I can’t choose our family we can’t she’s a blood. But I remember a time when my mother was happy I thought just a moment when our family was heading out to the drive-in or maybe just a moment that you know she was f***** properly and and put away and she was told just the right things I don’t know maybe dad was just checking on to see if we were okay it just scary freaking b****. Now I’m a son of a b**** or a daughter of a b**** we don’t like to say those things but it’s true I come from a long line of masonic evil women that’ll kick you when you’re down and laugh at you when you you’re feeling rough. I was the pink elephant in the room. Mom blamed it on Dad Dad blamed it on everything life he liked alcohol gambling women just a regular Joe you know. At the time I believe he was a good man he died in 96 part of me died too. I think that’s what happens when you have grief and when you get old and when you have the apocalyptic view of an old woman or old man that scene way too much that knows way too much they can’t even say enough. During the pandemic I was locked in the house with my Mommy I thought a woman that has compromised my existence with her shame and blame and guilt that she brought into and was given as a child too. She was raised by her sister and slept in her sister and her sister’s husband bed until she was 18 that’s enough. I can tell you more but it’s her story I know that she can’t love like I do I know that she can’t feel like I do she doesn’t and it’s not able to cry my father wasn’t able to imagine it seemed it was up to me to save this miserable family. My oldest brother he sent the key went to debilit and we got to watch him graduate and be on the swim team everybody be proud of him I watched him be relied upon by my mother be put upon by the weight of being the son she loved the most. My next brother who is just 10 months younger than my other they had each other you know so they got to gang up on me and make me a girl I always say my body is by my brother cuz they gave me the old titty twisters and the pink bellies and Indian birds and I tried to keep up I tried so hard to be a part of a family that I was destined to always be a strange from. I knew that when I was old that I had to set up some type of system for a 9 years old they said I can go blind for 9 years old I took the horse by The rains got my social security card went to work on it every weekend and summer vacation winter vacation anything to keep me busy my mind could repeat anything and say anything at any time which is a dangerous thing for a secret society of family full of secrets. I wash my brother’s get beat I watched my mother’s eyes glow and her face smile when Daddy got home and she got her way I want you to do the same thing just with her dog how she would hurt her dog recently last year before the year of hell. Just another year another transient that’s what I am I’m a homeless woman running without legs screaming without a voice at the intention of a Nation lost in its own I am the 50 million Americans the PTSD the shell shocked the little girl that’s now an old woman and now she’s treated like s*** this s***’s supervising supervisor The observer from beyond all genders all boxes she’s lived in she’s walked on she’s walked out she’s walked and walked and and been told to run away and get out so many ways. So as I take these boots and my pants 👖 and wake up and share my thoughts with this computer as my computer writes to this computer so somebody can read it on a computer and we want her why we can’t pay 50 cent for a stamp and write a letter or a tape recording or anything like the old days when technology didn’t cost us an arm a leg hahaha. Our civil rights which are civil cuz I have none never have been shown that a long time ago when the era wasn’t ratified last year when we saw Macy’s parade wow f****** a black white gay straight they were all there transgender we were all there I wasn’t you know but the Shriners were so part of me was my historical reference. They like to use us in commercials look at this cute little kid oh look at this one from Africa hey Bill Gates I’ve had your food. I’ve dreamed the dreams of a philosopher and a prophetic princess I started my dreams in a very young age and it seemed to screw up the family completely. I was just a teeny little girl and I can feel what was going on and houses but I couldn’t explain them for a walk to school with my oldest brother and he got me to talk with him and walk with him and share with him and then he told me about the cold and how we could eat and get away from Mom and just stay away from the house all you can. So I became homeless so I married married I looked for anyone that needed me as much as all I needed to anyone anyone at all so they gave me a dog. Dead or alive I wanted I am stalked some say by the devil some say by Jesus Christ himself I don’t agree with either. I wake up knowing that my body is the way it is I wake up knowing that I have not had any kindness whatsoever. That each and every relationship I’ve ever been in new more about me and my historical reference at the Pink elephant that I have and it all started an allied gardens San Diego county in La Mesa where I was born on Park avenue and then they burned the building down they might not though with every thought at 6 months old I watched will we moved off of Twain. The first Catholic President had his head blown off we moved. I had a dream went to school did a seance all before first grade I had already been in the hospital I had already been farmed out to anyone at any time that could and would take care of me. I sat with my daddy we rocked a lot I remember when Daddy got his first lazy boy 💺 exciting day of rocking chair a new piece of furniture it was a really big thing to buy something new then in the 60s. I remember when we went downtown San Diego and mama said lock your doors were on market Street there were black people about we had to go to Pacific Bell and start our service at our new home on lake Angela isn’t that a beautiful name like Angela. A lot happened on lake Angela we lived on the corner on a certain time and day everything was perfect of course I kicked my brother in the nuts when I was a little girl near Easter when he said that his mama wasn’t my mama didn’t remember that until maybe this year always wondered. Yep wonders is a nickname of mine also puddles I think that is apropos for sure. I had a biker call me shortstop ones you know the Christian motorcycle types. It seems that they’re the only ones left we’re all waiting for Armageddon the apocalypse anything just make it happen Make it rain r e i n g make it r e I rain rain oh it sounds like I’m getting tired I hear it’s still Wednesday but I’ve begun cuz it’s all I got left is my voice and it changes sometimes it’s a bit Irish I like me Irish on. I’m a victim I’m a little girl I’m the nation’s daughter I’m the nation’s world I am daughter of many many fathers of many many Nations I hear except the nomination for presidential candidate wolf 2024 I asked you to write this in you the 50 million Americans that b**** and moan each year that we can’t decriminalize a certain weed the drugs they used on us that we could create war and make war and create money and make money and well we found a way decriminalize here today. I thought Obama would do it s*** I thought Clinton would do it at the time but at least she gave me my body within the first 24 hours he said I had the right to my body like a man had to do that and we had to write it into some freaking piece of paper like yeah Americans have always enjoyed their paper treaties and such. We are the egotistical salesman waiting for the great day the Black Friday sale the consumer consumed. Yes I was a truck driver yes I’m a minister yes I have healing hands I thought yes I do reiki integrated energy I’ve done so much roughing that I need to rough raw r o l f see even the computer can’t f****** understand me so why do I think anyone else could why did you think I was a brat did you really think I wanted the crap they gave me do you really think that they and their thoughts that were given to us are really true for us well I wonders for us I know it weren’t true that’s why I was always confused I had to go to my room come out with a new personality. As my brother’s check on me and I try to keep time I’m still tiny Tim I’m still having to get carried I’m still whining and crying from the pain I still can’t keep up or I’m running away there’s only fast and slow with me there’s no in between I tried to fake it till I made it and then I made a hell of a lot of sobriety. But just like sobriety your rights your civil rights unalienable right funny word my rights I’ve had done my power I have none. Yeah I can say no no no no no no no no more don’t hurt me no more but the computer can’t compute tears tears from heaven just like men can’t compute that’s why I’m here so they can talk to their dad so they can talk to their children so they can know so others can speak that we’ve saved. So we can be showed off and we can say hey donate now for they are less than they are the unfortunate they are the ones that fought for America and got old oh well they’re the ones that the husbands died and the children’s died and the women still hang on. So why aren’t we in the driver’s seat? I’m not saying it but the theory is where one bullet away that’s what they say as I’ve listened to all the political conversations on the porches I’ve made for the people to drink my coffee and for them to eat my food and so they could watch over me as I continue to lay on my hands to continue to be in a relationship to continue to continue to be continued…
every evening it always shows up
some evenings I’m busy I sometimes I’m asleep so it passes on by the deep and utter grief I know God should take it away but maybe doesn’t want it to go away because that’s the sadness he feels I don’t know any answers I know that I’m having to manage my own body and my own care and I’m not sure I care that much but I’m working very hard at managing it don’t know how much longer I have left on this Earth hopefully God will take me sooner than later my testimony is amazing I survive so many things and I’ve done so many things and I’ve enjoyed and seeing atrocities and experience the same atrocities but still conscious contact is always there somehow getting me through all this pain and suffering this lifetime of despair I’d like to be happy and joyous and free I really would it’s very difficult now with the pain levels and so many different types so many different people I get real conf on how to go on each moment so I cry and wait wait for some spiritual inspiration that’ll take me to someplace else you know we’re all nomadic we’re always moving you know for uncomfortable we get up get a cup of coffee or go to the bathroom move our leg or jump up and down our body is really our dashboard and it tells us when we run out of the wrong fuel it tells us so much and yet we still can’t hear it.
recently I’ve had problems with
with communication. I’d like it to be better with the pain levels all the different managers all the distant systems all the different ways life can get you the body is a messy thing life is a very very messy thing I reach out for prayer I reach out for love I reach out for someone to hold me one last time that pretend I knew what love was one last time. But that’s not going to happen cuz my body is deformed and it hurts constantly people can’t touch me because it hurts my skin hurts my insides hurt my outside hurts and then people and communication hurts a lot but you’re not understood you know when you’re not understood hurts the worst when that’s not what you meant or what they’re perceiving is it what you said or meant to say it say and they go on like they want to argue and I can’t argue no more it hurts so worse why spend the time and effort I have this whining machine that I get to talk to you express myself see if anybody’s checking me out I have a possibility in my life and I don’t know what it is I don’t know if I’m just going to be a honest we’re set you know thought the lottery ticket and died the next day so they call it what the evening blues or some problems diagnosis when the Sun starts to set and I I so enjoy the evening and the night time yeah I’m alone I’m alone a lot a lot of people are alone anyways I pray that you all have a great night I pray that the love and light then you should come to pass in this world may and if not in this world I pray that I may see the next one as soon as heavenly possible because I’m so tired of this pain
what have I not done I have been asked quite recently
I haven’t gotten to jump out of a airplane like I wanted to I’ve never been in a bouncy house not that I care to or on a trampoline except for those little ones they had made up for you to lose weight on. I did not get to see my daughter grow up I’ve never gotten to hear my daughter’s stories about growing up and sharing I would like that I’ve never taken a ferry ride up to Mississippi a dinner cruise they say and wanted to enjoy that I owned my own home but unfortunately it was attached to another human being so I don’t ever think I’ll own a home again but there’s always hope right not that I need that that wear and tear anymore can’t really deal with it unless I had another person in my life a personal caregiver that likes you enough to live with you. I’ve never had anybody lay down their life for me as I would for them no matter what I’ve given more than I’ve taken I’ve sacrificed and allowed things to happen in my world because I felt powerlessness. I didn’t blow my head off because the safety was still on and I could not pull the trigger. Thanks for nothing. I did not put my mother or birth certificate mother in jail for drugging me and and surgically hurting me during covid and forgive myself that I can do and have done for her if she is truly dead whether I can believe that or not someday I won’t know but hopefully her death is not going to be more pain and suffering on me like it has been in the last week so I’m not choosing that but I’m praying and I’m hoping that something nice might come my way and help and maybe be able to pay off a bill or two and maybe get my my own something of my own I don’t know what that would be baby just a car and then I can have people drive me around or set it up that I can have a vehicle that can drive me around and can be also driven by me on good days if I have any left it might actually give me more but at this point I don’t have the wherewithal to deal with some of the things I’m having to deal with so I had them to God I hand them to the great spirit that I know that it’s not man or woman because we are just the creation they’re in but we’re energy and we can love and love is energy and I had a wonderful smart woman tell me where there is no love and technology then that technology is not of good use so I pay for this little thing to speak about positive negative transition cathartic moments and times I’m going through for those of those people that choose to read and can. Yesterday I was told that I might be a racist and I thought that was the biggest insult of one of this lifetime that I’m going through so that was something that had never happened to me that happened and it’s false of course I’ve transitioned all that energy and when I leave it will go with me and that’ll be good because the DNA that I have transitioned and and the blood that I have let out to become the woman and to become the spirit that I’ve chosen to be that would lay down their life for their daughter that would lay down their life for anyone because she believes they’re better and they have more to offer and more chances and more viability and more effectual change that can occur in this world for many many decades we’ve been waiting for Revelations and maybe we will create it now that we have the power to do so but Christ and Christ time I don’t know a Christian like some I don’t think so I think Christians are another religion if it has a few folks in it that are good and the what do they say the cream shall rise to the top and those that are humble in their beginnings shall be rich in their ends and maybe that’s what the promises are about maybe not in this life maybe in this life you never know until you go and you don’t know when or where or how that’s going to happen and it really truly doesn’t matter for your energy is all that mattered and that’s what changed and changes the world the frequency in which you live upon which you live in if it’s anger change it if it’s love keep it if it’s pain and sorrow you live with it and you make it through the next day or the next hour or the next moment until you can find that beautiful thought again some wonderful thought some memory that you can hold on to thinking that you’re normal but normalcy is a fallacy that we all believe in it’s frail and it’s just a budding plant at this point we’re trying to find a normalcy which means truth and Justice Mardi gras that all the secret shall come out so be it and the truth shall prevail that we are all one under God not on money not in democracy but on the Blue planet we call home which has art in the middle and Ian and h on the end so we are all artists and we’re called to do something great we all are unique and we did not get Born this Way you didn’t ask to be born this way but these were the criteria in which we needed to become the greatest and the next energy and a way to get to the heaven on Earth or in your systemology I’m going to say that so God bless you all and great spirit thank you so much for today and getting me through it and almost getting me through this week and thank you for all the things that my daughter is sending me and sharing with me I feel very grateful and that’s the greatest joy right now in my life are simple reals and stories or moments that my daughter sends me so thank you Jess and Brandon and who ever you know floats your boat dear I came here to be crazy you and I wanted to ask you a few questions but I’ll talk to you privately love and kisses to all my wishes and let all the starry nights and the Blue skies come your way thank you all very much for listening to Casey and I sure wish you’d spell her name right but talk to text is just the way it is and until they can figure out that I’m the same person that owns it I guess it’s just Casey at 🏓 I’ve swung I hope I’ve hit a home run whatever that means to anyone who’s reading or listening to me hearing me I pray you hear me thank you
These hands..
these hands have done a many a thing have protected me have built have hold and held in love to no end they’ve been nervous they’ve been intricate in knowledge they were everything to me and nothing at all at one point we take advantage of what we have we take advantage of all these parts God give us at the beginning. We know not know the worth and the love that a hand can bring we do know the pain we know so much of the pain of body parts of people slapping and hurting and punching and threatening and manipulating and harming in ways that are atrociously unimaginable in this here United States of America have these hands built enough houses for those that have needed have they helped enough and caused enough shelter I suppose have I loved myself enough with these hands no not I don’t believe so I don’t believe my hands can’t help me anymore where sometimes yes I can hold myself and Rock and I feel better and yes the joy and effortlessness of being able to use a finger or hand at any moment is a great joy to my life I have made miniature baskets I have parasail I have climb titanissa with two worst legs I can imagine but you know at the time they made it they climbed a pyramid and they climbed inside the pyramid and saw a beautiful Jade tiger the size of a wolf it was huge and it was it was just found and s**** in each of them by drilling down into the core and you know the amazing things that these hands have drawn and painted and tried to transition from pain to Joy or at least relief I have given so much relief with these hands and so much pain but I believe I have made it to the other side where I’ve given more relief than pain as a massage therapist as a christ-like walker in life I believed in washing feet and oiling I became a minister in order to help relieve pain of others you know Christ said that we can do these things and more I’ve seen people walk on water and he’ll scoliosis if not for a moment at least at least we love those words I’m going to come back to that for the moment it was healed for a second the scoliosis was healed do I know alternative healing and what can save and relieve people but instead they want to charge high prices for it and invasive procedures that cause more harm than good and give you drugs that cause you more harm than good I would love to be able to hand the world what I know in a basket and tied in a bow but you know it you just don’t live i you become it you become another better piece of yourself by making choices that you didn’t think you’d ever make I’m an adventurous some call careless some call spontaneous delightful fun to watch at times as I’ve been told woman that came to this planet to help others and to show love and I have shown so much love I hardly have any left for me so now is the time that I have to show up for myself and I try real hard but as the body weakens and my abilities cheapen cuz a lot of people want to say sorry about it you know the worst thing in the world you can do is say sorry if United States could stop those words hey we might change the whole freaking world who knows I know I talked long and lengthy I just wanted to show that these hands of mine the crippled and claws now and inability and totally different and sort of scary at times they definitely make me cry when I look at them so I am my own phantom of the Opera when it comes to that I’ve learned so much and just tired and a bow and give it to y’all and make the world change and maybe that’s totally narcissistic or maybe it’s exactly what mother Teresa wanted to do or you know Saint Francis maybe we’re just trying to find the best parts of ourselves so we can go on to the next world clean cleaner than we got here cuz I definitely know that there was way too many secrets and there was way too many lies and there’s way too much pain in this world unless you United States for anyone to come through I think we keep acting in a play that no longer is moving forward it’s standing still so till somebody does something and we’ll find out what that is or when it is or how it is how the truth can come out and we can no longer celebrate an awful thing called Thanksgiving we can no longer celebrate a Hallmark tradition that they comprised so you can create a damaged world by buying things when you have enough we need to improve on what we have and not look for more we need to stop making cars and just improve on the ones we have and pay them off and build fences or regions or hell you know walls like they want and if you did it right then they could be even studio apartments for some of us hahaha againt so happy happy day happy Sabbath and happy September we have the wonderful Autumn solstice here happening this week and celebrate with lots of wonderful great Autumn for foods I love blessings to you all
things I’ll never do
I believed as I was going to get older with my partner but mostly it was my plan it was my dream my dreams probably got me in trouble in the first place probably watching too much TV as they say.
so my ideas were I believed or thought I could do cheese for buying my own Jeep and rig and going south into South America and the Eastern seaboard and see the turtles in Costa Rica in the black sand beaches I thought maybe I’d be able to go to Turkey someday I had a passport before the hospital stole it but it’s never ever gotten punched I did but no it didn’t so no reason to have one now even if I were to go somewhere it would still be liable I guess with the birth certificate who knows these days can’t even seem to get out the door and down the street anymore don’t even have a will to run I’ve always had a will to run to run to the next more exciting thing or a moment glorious joyful moment looking for one trying to stay out of my body to the best of my ability and now these are dreams I thought maybe I would learn to surf one day you know and be able to carry a surfboard above my head now simple things just be able to do it once kind of thing might enjoy it found out a lot of things my perceptions were wrong about or how other people can perceive what you say I get to know a lot of things now how many folks number one biopsies hurt biopsies are not simple they’re not easy and they don’t work real well when they tell you one thing it’s absolutely wrong until because I guess they don’t want to tell you the truth and I’ve had a lot of different pains but you know I guess this isn’t any more than anything else except I did without sedation I always do anything I possibly can without sedation my mother’s a pill Popper it always has been anyways then I became one slightly or unsightly or as needed whatever with the perceptions of the white male universe that I lived in I believe I had the right to my body and always would and didn’t understand why I wouldn’t I thought I would build my own house at the end of my life exactly like I wanted it on my own land in my own space I really truly believe that I would be able to do that I built three different houses of renovated them since I was granddaughter of a masonic a sister. So you have to learn to do things by yourself or yourself as they beat you up and tear you down and abuse you in ways you could never imagine.
so things I always wanted to do well I’ve lived a while without a pet and it’s been the saddest thing I could do. My emotional support creature is a robe I have. You make do I started out with a blankie they took it away and disappeared it unraveled and I’m done from all the bleach in the Clorox in the hole anyway I remember it it had fans on it and flowers and quilted and just thin enough that you can carry it and it was big enough to cover me and at one point it wished you happy to carry I must have been really little.
things I always wanted to do well I’m not able now or maybe I wanted to get my driver’s license and have my own you know to duplex or something I lived in and I would maybe somebody would donate a vehicle to me or something so I could be a viable part of the community and God had different plans and maybe my wishes are coming true that I’m dying and that’s okay I had surgery my always wanted to go back to. The pain and living and and it’s gotten only worse and now the loneliness or the aloneness that one has with its memories is almost painful now it was giving me solace but now I’m finding pain in it so I must let go and let God take it and work it out for me and I will keep being here until I’m no longer here and that is the greatest thing I know that oh I haven’t been in bouncy houses and I’ve never golfed a teen holes and I know I’ve never been supported or love except for one moment in my life by a person that no longer exists or if they did they were lying to me the whole time for the day they say so now or not they’re saying so now so life has gotten quirky and weird and awful and atrocious and horrendous and I don’t think you can come back from a holocaust and obliterated heart you keep looking for joy and he keep pretending you can be that person again but that River would love yesterday it doesn’t exist anymore it just dried up and gone like Yellowstone national Park it changes every hour of every day one minute you know there’s a river in the creek in the next minute it’s called. I hope my death is easy on those and care I’ve tried to make it as easy as possible with finding out as much as possible since humans don’t have the right to die no they’re stupid law that make much sense will mercy kill a deer will mercy kill a dog or a cat but no mercy is it set upon humans at this time so trust your passion your Love your joy I pray that you all have had a good life in some way I hope in some way I have inspired or helped you help others even even if it’s the fake smile intention is all you need God bless us all
my hopes are now simple ones that I get to getting a boat and go out and see deer Island or something somewhere throw me in let me swim let me sit let me pee in the water one last time simple ones like I was a little girl just like the memories that I hold ironically so scary lady inside me we hope we don’t take nothing with us except what we left. I was hoping that maybe I’d be a teacher or just a woman’s history major and do some more art of course art is always the park nothing I’d rather do than get my fingers and paint and paint away but I can’t afford it and why even try there’s always been living within my means and I’m not even doing that so I pray that this finds you well and happy and joyous and remember these moments because they don’t come along and this may be the best time of your life live it
I’m God’s child.
when I was born I was born with a very evil DNA from the moment I was born I knew my life would be very very difficult looking for Truth and Love and humanity. I died two or three times before I was 9 years old when I was diagnosed with a chronic incurable disease and at that time I also took on all the grief and shame from my mother and became an adult in a way and no child should ever have to be. So my life has been lived in denial of people saying they love me and that they didn’t even know what love was and neither did I there was a special part of me that knew that lovement being out of pain there was a social part of me that said love meant that you were included you are part of. And then there was just the child needing nurturing meeting needing always needing the worst drug of all. God filled my heart my soul showed me who I truly was in so many ways in those quiet moments that no one could ever take away other than my own mind and then all I know is God’s taking it I never have to write a book cuz I believe my book is already been written. I am who God would want me to be I have loved deeply loyally cherished and honored and learn great values in this life I let go a very special things and left many very special places thinking I’d be able to remember or come back as I now know at the end of my life those things will not happen I must accept that all my life I’ve Loved people that have harmed me and that these last few years that maybe strangers have harmed me have not at all hurt as much as what I go through now they say we all have mother issues I have had some amazing wonderful loving caring women in my life they wanted nothing from me there was no conditions they were very rare and they came in for a season and a reason and they never stayed. I believe it’s so I could grow up I’m still growing everyday I may not be able to do what you can do and I pray that you may never know what I go through. There are so many people that are alone that others think about and think about calling and never do the older but quieter the forgotten the folks on the street the folks have no need no feet no water no home but they know the truth about this country and humanity. For me I still feel this treat is a safer place than where I’m at the stress involved in getting shelter is too much is really just too much for the first time in my life I’m saying no more I deal with my life each day to the best of my ability I eat what I can what I’m able when I’m able to open what I’m able to deal with in my anatomy managing my own care managing my own life physically mentally and spiritually since I have no control over the spiritual other than that I’ve given and know what’s truth to me I pray that all have that understanding that surpasses everything else a call beautiful unrippled water that we called time.
a good woman a good mother and a very good friend let me know that I no longer have to harm myself in order to get my needs met I am at the end of my life relief is the only thing that need is needed for so after living for 60 something years in denial of people that love you and truly do not know what the words mean that seem to enjoy harming you whether they know it or not and you start to realize that nothing’s very real to you so you have to reprocess every day and today the root of a lot of issue came up again to be reprocessed nurturing need two things a human child needs to survive to thrive. Those things were not chosen for me my life has been very spiritual very serious and it never has stopped except when I stop breathing. I pray some of this blah blah blah kid touch someone in the understanding that the greatest thing you can give to thyself is to be true to yourself and know that you were born a blessed child of God and you are here for a reason a season and a lifetime this one or the next I will not disagree with who God made me and I will not let people try to change that which God has made so thank you thank you to the special woman that allowed me to write and be unless evening and gratefully July is almost over so God bless you all amazing Grace spirit always watch over you and that the drums keep rolling on so be it
I lived to tell about it…
that’s all I’m here for now just a tool for God for others to look at learn from if they choose hear what they want and leave the rest. I’ve learned about this country’s hospice healthcare rules regulations separation segregations as we get older they separate people that love each other from each other you no longer can get taken care of by someone that you love because there’s renters greedy people evil demons as I have to look at them now because they only have cruelty and kindness and harm and pain and suffering do you know harm. and that’s my spiritual advisor says they’ll have theirs at some point and we bless them I wish them 💓
Do no harm.
I’ve been evaluated tested hypnotized and digested integrated evaluated on yet still no one knows me or notice the human body Spirit and mind. I manage my body healthcare at this time. To the best of my ability and boy it’s shriveling as I speak God is in my legs and my toes and my fingers and I’m grateful I still have them my world has gotten very small and as you get older that’s what happens and no one has empathy no one wants to understand or look at you because hey they might see something important and it might change them. So that’s all I’m here for a tool for this whole hammers getting tired she don’t even have a hammer anymore. She’s built houses with his hands. God has built a great foundation within me and All around. I have walked many roads and traveled every byway Trailway scenic Way every interstate every highway travel 3 million miles in the Western hemisphere mostly with a dog that taught me quite a lot about life.
I wonder what’s going to get me out of pain next. What do I have to do every moment and every day in prayer 🙏 we hope everyday that we don’t wake up every moment that we don’t have to deal or make another decision or have to move another body part they’re so happy there’s so much work no one teaches you this and if they did they didn’t let me go to school there I didn’t get taken care of when I got the new hip I didn’t get taken care of. And now I think I should be taking care of that’s a quandary in itself if you’ve always taken care of others you wouldn’t expect somebody to be there for you now but they are not there’s no one not even a pet not even a beautiful small creature that loves just me in some way because I’ve got them trapped and I can make them food or give them mine but I’m not able to do that I can’t even have somebody live with me. These are what’s happening to the elderly in your country cuz it’s sure not my country I don’t want any part of it I’m trying to leave it and they won’t let me show I was born in American citizen and I’d surely love to leave this country for another but I can’t even get a mile down the road and if I do I ain’t coming back going to find me a ditch somewhere and drown myself it’s really easy you know you just keep swallowing water when you get to this place you think of everything more of it but I have all my life I knew I came into this world for truth love whatever and I found it it just wasn’t in the same place that I’d like it have been but I did find it I lied happy for that grateful for that truly so I don’t have to worry about anything at some point well this old lady is just yammering I love to tell you all that wonderful things I wanted to remember but since I I’ve been hitting the head way too many times been pushed down way too many times been harmed way too many times my heart broken way too many times that’s the only thing that I have now is this institution I’m in and the jail cell I have and the jailers that come in so. They call themselves home health they call themselves workers what about the clients you have clients day anywhere indigent day month for the elderly for the infirmed for the blind or the brain injured and the traumatized what does it take to make a nation fall and empathy rise for us all simple kindness very very simple kindness that’s all it takes people God bless you all maybe I’ll be here next time maybe I won’t hope so love and light to you all so be it and we’re going to publish this puppy before it wax out
praise God I’m trying
I’m trying to be 🥲 I am grateful. I’m grateful for the last year and learning so much about myself and others and how we treat each other in this world music my coping skills how I’ve lived this long with a disease that is just like ALS or cancer it just doesn’t kill you unless you take their drugs I drive down but then I stop so I never was part of any of these class action suits for the last 50 years and you know we can’t charge the federal government and doctors with what they’ve done but they are of no help to me now it seems managed Care just that you’re somebody going to harm you in waves that are unimaginable. Homelessness is a way and be with the land the Earth and your surroundings that is peaceful and kind to others generally at least that’s how I was and of course I was hard but generally by the establishment generally by the homeless shelters that wouldn’t let 911 be called for the hospitals that I am gay out of the gratitude that I have for the dogs and the creatures that have come to me that said you don’t deserve this yes I talked to animals I always have. I was once asked for I asked what someone believed in God and how I must have been about 5 or so and my uncle told me he believed in the Indian way anyways he later died in a Bible with lots of pain and evil people around him giving him more and the world at Large God bless him there’s a strong tall man made it to you. Now I’m 62 and I’m trying to breathe I have to ask for everything this weekend I’m alone least I be forgotten. No family no friends just God just a new understanding and I guess I am supposed to be polished in pain and suffering just as my Christ was. I have never felt such horrendous and atrocious feelings in my body and I’ve been in pain all my life. So now it’s different as my River comes to an end someday. I have had a new excruciating pain in my left side this morning and I thought well I could have it in Melissa I can let go teach me Lord to let go ease the pounding of my heart by the quieter of my mind chilling all that is and leaving all behind for my body weeps while it sleeps it burns it’s needles nice aching that never ever stops hi babe I please and that’s prayer to be I can’t remember all the things because the mind goes blank completely and utterly with the brain injury that’s odds occurred will make it through today happy memorial day everyone Godspeed may remember what this day truly is for every moment of every day there’s someone coming your way that you could be caught too a creature baby I have a cat baby living under my porch and my baby getting a new neighbor on the other side of the porch I get to hear the birds and the morning all through watch the shadows of the shade of the trees and pretend I’m painting just observe a highly sensitive being in a body that on wheels and she has to charge just like Captain Pike without the folks it’s going to help or are you trucking out there trekkies that’s right sorry if I misspelled or Miss spoken or if I’ve hurt your feelings please don’t read me again hahaha love and laughter and you feel the light of God upon your skin within your heart within your being and all around you at all times this is a enough.
the pain is unbearable.
yes the pain would be unbearable for most so I’m so strong and I’m so stupid I don’t know why God still has me here sometimes I so Wonder the god of my understanding is true. I watch so much and tears so much and experience so much on so many different levels I’m yet mostly I just sit on my porch and watch movies or get up and down trying to move away from the pain it’s all I’ve ever done is move away from the pain no longer or was anybody listening or no longer were they having the answers so I found a way to be sober and live with my arthritis wasn’t easy definitely wasn’t easy but now the pain is unbearable arthritis says nothing on this crying and screaming all these feelings all at once not to anybody other than just a body that’s not working not able to scratch cut my own toenails and nails reach the top of my head anymore yeah I might be on a pity pot but I might be just the fax man these are the facts and I’m supposed to look for the good things people want to feed me they want to be paid to be in my life people have got me alive now for over here Mississippi I’d like to be happy not sure what that means anymore with so much pain barely can remember a prayer or how to work the phone sometimes I hope my new hospice is a good hospice anyways I just needed to tell someone out there that I’m screaming and no one hears me I’m crying and no one sees me I’m in so much pain that I’d like to stick a knife in my my leg right now and it would feel better but hey I’m pragmatic so I’ll put on a happy face do and ask for what I can get today to try to make my life okay God bless you all and namaste thank you for those that love me and those that I’d love
what’s it like for CayC to be an artist.
I was born an artist. We all are I believe.
life is an artist is a human and has been very difficult I was born differently abled. I have a chronic disease as you might know. Now for the first time I’m able to do art again just for a moment I reach my look and breathe the essence of color the essence of shadow the essence of this planet I live on the mother I love the most important thing to me I found out finally. What was it going to be not who I became in life but how I feel in life in the skin. I paint the atrocities of my life and others and try to make them beautiful once again blessed though they can’t see it though I can see it at the time. It’s a cathartic journey that some don’t bother to take to follow one’s passion from birth or prior is a difficult thing in society today and has been for some many many many decades or more. I’m trying editing so hope this does well for you all are those that choose to read. I have at least hundreds of paintings and the world now and I’ve been printed myself as much as I possibly can I have imprinted myself upon this United States and western hemisphere as much a 62-year-old female that seem everything that she could have ever want to never imagine and had her breath taken away by just what God has made. Those breathless moments they seem to be the moments that you remember at least for me the moment she just held your breath I couldn’t speak because of the situation. For me to paint seems to be life all you people and situations and sort of disappear or at least I can imagine them better I guess I’ve lived in a dream world all my life thinking it would get better hoping trying finding looking for the right answer. Kindness is the right answer care is the right action. They gave me a book on dying I wish they would have given me a book on how to be able to get to that door. I still believe that someday we’ll have euthanasia.net someone will make a lot of money off that there’s lots of us that would like Mercy but it is not shown to us you seem to want to kill everything and everyone but it when it comes to those that need Rose the desire or want you look away you can’t even proceed they’re just too much you have to have a different belief system just to hold on cuz you’re afraid. I’m not afraid anymore I’m not sure I ever really was afraid of anyone but myself of being successful I’m being loved I don’t really it didn’t come natural I guess from what I realize and how I was brought up and how many things and what life is dished up for me.
what’s it like being an artist it’s really really amazing I’m only connected to the source. My work is the critical voice of all those that tried to imprint themselves on me I’m a blessed child of a god of my understanding and no one can take that from you ever. So though you may leave and I may forget you just know that I know that I was loved on this planet at this time with this life. I loved deeply insanely truthfully openly honestly and willingly all creatures great and small for that was what I believe I’ve come to do.
people are crazy and like beer cool song